Wait till you've been Auntied

There's always a first for everything. Some firsts are good, others not so much. In this particular instance, it's absolute fun when it happens to others, but when you're the victim, it's a different ballgame altogether! The first time you get addressed as an 'Auntie' or 'Uncle', you just go berserk or "off your lemon", as Bertram Wooster would have put it. "What  do they think, those youngsters, so full of themselves? Do they feel, I'm past my prime while they're still wet behind their ears, those young rascals?", you silently fume. 

As there's no handbook to address people who aren't related to you, the monikers of 'Auntie' and 'Uncle' jump right in to fill in the gap. It's a very Indian urge to show respect to people older to you and do it with a personal touch. So while addressing elders by name is considered outrightly disrespectful, addressing them as Mr. or Mrs. XYZ isn't as personal. 'Auntie' and 'Uncle' add just the right amount of respect with that dash of apnapan. 

Time was when marriage held the key to those dreaded, but assured gates to Auntiedom for womenfolk. As soon as one got married, draped a saree and put on sindoor, it guaranteed one's graduation from a Didi to an Auntie. 

With changing times, sartorial preferences changed dramatically. Saree gave way to salwar kurta and western outfits. One couldn't determine the marital status of a lady by her outfit anymore. This led to confusion to the already simmering brew of uncertainty. 

Well, this trauma can befall anyone after a certain age.Your neighborhood kid, in all his/ her innocence, perceives a big enough age gap and decides to bestow you with a polite 'Auntie' or 'Uncle', when you've only started college. "What!! I'm not even married!", you say. But is that or should that be a criteria? What if you don't get married at all? Will it save you from being Auntied?

It hurts the first time you hear tiny tots referring to you as Auntie. Then with years, the blow softens. After you have kids, you wear the nomenclature almost like your second skin. When you have succumbed to this reality, comes the second deadly blow. Suddenly, out of the blue, 20 somethings start calling you Auntie! 

When I started getting Auntied by 20 somethings, I realized how the Westerners would have felt when their jobs were Bangalored. Totally incredulous. Could this really be happening? Realization of a bitter truth followed by a determination to play the game harder (and strive to look, dress and talk younger in this case). Then finally, a resignation to fate and a grudging acceptance of the inevitable!

So what should the criteria be, I wonder. Age? Looks? Marital status?After giving much thought to the subject, I've come to my own thumb rule. If a person looks my parents' age, I address her/him as Auntie or Uncle. Otherwise, I stick to Didi/Bhaiyya or go by their preference. 

Youngsters, be kind when addressing people just a few years older to you. When in doubt, use Didi/Bhaiyya or even a name, maybe with a ji, if you can't resist the urge to be respectful. Trust me, you will get the most grateful looks and will be blessed enough to achieve your next big start-up or foreign vacation dream.

For all those who have Auntied me irresponsibly over the years, have either forgotten the laws of karma or the power of lists. But karma does work (and so do lists, if you do them right). In addition, what goes around, comes around. Now that I have a sweet little weapon of my own to unleash, I have decided to go a-visiting everyone from that list. 

I'll be there to record your memorable moment when my seven-year old innocently asks 'Auntie, can I please have a biscuit?" Your look will change from utter confusion to pure disgust to mortal horror, faster than a chameleon changes its color. You'll whimper, "What! Me...an Auntie!!!?? You can have all the biscuits in the world but only if you call me Didi!" At that point, you might catch me smiling a smug smile, like the cat who has just licked the creamiest of milk. 

Yeah, the revenge sounds utterly satisfying. Now, did you just hear a knock at your door?