Wait Till You've Been Auntied!

There's always a first for everything. Some firsts are good, others not so much. In this particular instance, it's absolute fun when it happens to others, but when you're the victim, God be merciful!

The first time you get addressed as an 'Auntie' or 'Uncle', you just go berserk or "off your lemon", as Bertram Wooster would have put it. "What  do they think, those youngsters, so full of themselves? Do they feel, I'm past my prime while they're still wet behind their ears, those young rascals?", you silently fume. 

As there's no handbook to address people who aren't related to you, the monikers of 'Auntie' and 'Uncle' jump right in to fill in the gap. It's a very Indian urge to show respect towards people who are older than you and do so with a personal touch. So, while addressing elders by name is considered outrightly disrespectful, addressing them as Mr. or Mrs. XYZ wouldn't be as personal. 'Auntie' and 'Uncle' contain just the right amount of respect with that dash of closeness. 

Time was when, for womenfolk, marriage held the key to those dreaded but assured gates to Auntiedom. As soon as one got married, draped a saree and put on sindoor, it guaranteed one's graduation from Didi to Auntie. 

With changing times, sartorial preferences changed dramatically. Saree gave way to salwar kurta and western outfits. One couldn't determine the marital status of a lady by her outfit or accessories anymore. This added confusion to the already simmering brew of uncertainty. 

Well, this trauma can befall anyone after a certain age. Your neighborhood kid, in all her innocence, perceives a big enough age gap and decides to bestow you with a polite 'Auntie' or 'Uncle', when you've only started college. "What!! I'm not even married!", you say. But is that or should that be a criteria? What if you don't get married at all? Will it save you from being Auntied?

It hurts the first time when you hear tiny tots referring to you as Auntie. Then with years, the blow softens. After you have kids, you wear the nomenclature almost like your second skin. When you have accepted this reality, comes the second deadlier blow. Suddenly, out of the blue, 20 somethings start calling you Auntie! 

When I started getting Auntied by 20 somethings, I realized how Westerners would have felt when their jobs were Bangalored. Totally incredulous. Could this really be happening? Realization of a bitter truth followed by a determination to play the game harder (and strive to look, dress and talk younger in this case). Then finally, a resignation to fate and a grudging acceptance of the inevitable!

So what should the criteria be, I wonder. Age? Looks? Marital status? After giving a lot of thought to the subject, I've devised my own thumb rule. If a person looks my parents' age, I use Auntie or Uncle. Otherwise, I stick to Didi/Bhaiyya or go by their preference. 

Youngsters, be kind when addressing people just a few years older than you. When in doubt, use Didi/Bhaiyya or even a name, maybe with a ji, if you can't resist the urge to be respectful. Trust me, you will get the most grateful looks and will be blessed enough to achieve your next big start-up or foreign vacation dream.

For all those who have Auntied me irresponsibly over  the years, have either forgotten the laws of karma or the power of lists. But karma does work (and so do lists, if you do them right). In addition, what goes around, comes around. Now that I have a sweet little weapon to unleash, I have decided to go a-visiting everyone from that list. 

I'll be there to record your memorable moment when my seven-year old innocently asks 'Auntie, can I please have a cookie?" Your look will change from utter confusion to pure disgust to mortal horror, faster than a chameleon changes color. You'll whimper, "What! Me...an Auntie!!!?? You can have all the cookies in the world but only if you don’t call me Auntie!" At that point, you might catch me smiling a smug smile, like the cat who has just licked the creamiest of milk.Yeah, the revenge sounds utterly satisfying. 

Now, did you just hear a knock at your door?

An abridged version of this piece was published in Deccan Herald on 24th March, 2018.  http://www.deccanherald.com/content/666180/wait-till-youve-been-auntied.html

India Shining?

India Shining - proclaims a poster from a wall of a government office. "From all the spit that has glazed our beloved motherland?" I wonder. We consider it our birthright to spit as and where we please. 

All public places, especially walls and staircase landings, are a testimony to this obsession. This national habit makes me recoil in horror. There is hardly anything one can do, other than scurry away as fast as possible, in those precious two seconds, when the spitter is gathering supplies from the depths of his soul and is ready to slaver the world in all its slimy ugliness.

As I step out of my house, I keep my fingers crossed lest I encounter this spitting specimen. But it's as wishful a thinking, as my hope to travel to outer space or win a billion dollars in lottery one day. The more wary I get, the more spitters I witness. It seems that they do it on purpose. They seek me out and spit just when I cross them. I look away from one, only to witness someone else indulging in the act. No escape! "Keep calm! Glue your eyes to the ground." I say to myself. It's no better this way as I try to navigate through a veritable spit mine. The road is peppered with blobs of same stuff in various colors, shapes and vintages. Ugh! 

God forbid if you are a pedestrian or riding a two-wheeler and you happen to be in the trajectory of a bus passenger's liquid missile. As with hierarchies in general, it's better to be high in the hierarchy of vehicles, to avoid being a victim.

How do people generate such copious amounts of spit? The answer lies in incessant chewing of paan, gutkha and supari. This chewing gets addictive as most gutkhas or suparis are laced with tobacco. A househeld help told me the reason she got into the habit. She had to get up early in mornings to reach work. With no time to have her own breakfast, she used to suppress hunger by chewing supari. In no time, she got addicted.

We are mistaken if we think that only the economically poor strata of society is afflicted with this habit. The sight of car passengers rolling down their windows to get rid of their possessions isn't uncommon.

While taking morning walks in my apartment complex, I used to meet a well-to-do senior citizen on a regular basis. One fine day when I turned a corner, I spotted him getting rid of his spittle. He was least apologetic about it. "And there goes away my magical morning!" I mourned. I definitely couldn't preach him but gave him the most dignified disgusting look and hoped he got the message. The next day at my walk, I expected him to have learnt his lesson. Sadly, he remained as merry a spitter as ever.

If a Rupee were fined for every time a person spit in public places, it would  fill the coffers of our government. Or if spitting was an Olympic sport, we would sweep the dais, winning all medals in all possible categories. But alas, spitting doesn't do any such wonders for us, other than spreading unhygienic conditions and making us look like an uncouth country. If we don't ditch the habit, we will probably soon earn a slogan of "India Spitting"!

PS: This piece was published in Open-Ed section of The Hindu on 27th August, 2017.
http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/open-page/spitters-galore-without-a-care/article19565992.ece

What I learnt from a burglary at my place

You read about it all the time. You know it can happen, but when it actually happens to you, you can't help feeling shocked and cheated. So one fine afternoon, when we discovered that our house was broken in and all our electronics were gone, we were overwhelmed. Right from dialing 911, to finding out what to do after a burglary, it was a learning experience. So I did what I do best (or so I think); compile a list of dos and dont's:

Things to do before a burglary.......that means right now!

1. If you've got gold or silver, get a locker. 

2. Have a home owners or renters insurance. Choose a plan that is suitable for your valuables. Look at the premium and deductibles. A combined plan for your home and car is better than separate insurances.

3. Note the serial number of all your devices. Enable the location finder in your devices.

4. Take pictures of all your valuables (including jewelry, expensive watches, sunglasses, handbags, shoes etc.) and store on cloud and mail a copy to your mail accounts and also to a trusted source. Same goes for receipts. This will help in insurance claims.

5. Consider putting up an alarm or buying a safe.

6. Do not decorate your house from outside in a way that makes you stand out. For e.g. No bandanwaars or rangolis outside the front yard. 

7. Be extra careful during vacation and Diwali time. Definitely put your stuff in locker soon after use.

8. If you want to deck up in gold jewelry for a party, consider carrying it in a purse and wearing once near the venue. Walking out of the house all decked up might make you stand out.

9. Post a 'beware of dog' or a security agency sticker on your front door to deter potential burglars.

10. Don't leave your valuables visible from windows.

11. Don't keep all documentation at one place. For E.g. keep your ssn at a different place than the passport. 

12. Set up a verbal password for your id. At DMV, you can set up a question which pops up every time you are asked to show your id. It has to be answered verbally.

13. Set up passwords for all your devices.

14. If you go on a vacation, ask your friends to check on your house frequently.

After the burglary...hope you don't have to...:

1.If in trouble, call 911 immediately. Accept help from friends and be grateful for their presence and concern. 

2. In case your credit cards are missing, cancel them. Get in touch with your bank and let them know of the loss.

3. If your devices are stolen, change passwords for all possible sites. Also, track your devices for any clues. Report them to the police.

4. Make a list of all valuable things that are missing. Get it into the police report.

5. Check your locks and keys including car keys. If any are missing, get the locks changed.

6. Get in touch with insurance, armed with your police report and list of missing things.

7. If it can happen to someone else, it can happen to you.Everything in the world is transient. Remember? "Jo aaj tumhara hai, kal kisi aur ka hoga.... " Be happy for the good times that you had together with your stuff.

8. Don't buy more than you need. Enjoy the stuff that you have.

9. Move on. Life is made of experiences, both good and bad. Take it in your stride. One day, you'll be telling tales about it!

Men's Equality, Anyone?

There is a huge conspiracy going around for quite sometime, in fact since the dawn of civilisation. If you are amongst the fairer sex, you must have been one of the victims. Surprisingly, there is no major movement around the phenomenon. The reason might be a lack of proper nomenclature for the movement. Shall we call it "Men's Equality'? 

The truth is, men don’t want to be equal. Their version of equality reeks of "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." No wonder, there's a lot of noise around women’s equality but hardly any discussion about equal opportunities for men. 

On this women's day, let's talk about equality for men. Yes, you heard it right! Equality for men at hearth and home. Why should men be deprived of working for the well-being of home, sweet home, at a more hands-on level? Why should a woman be expected to take charge of her household soon after coming back from work while a man can unfold a newspaper, flip a remote and reincarnate into a couch potato? Why should recipes, child-rearing, entertaining, home beautification write-ups be forte of women's magazines, while gadgets, latest tech, sports, outdoors etc. be that of men's? 

While growing up, I used to wonder why women’s issues were such a big thing. I never thought of people in terms of gender, only in terms of human beings. But with time, the bitter reality of an unequal world became apparent. Women work harder but are still underprivileged and underpaid. According to different studies across geographies, it has been proved time and time again that women work more number of hours than men for household issues. Even for women who work outside home, responsibilities of a household aren't shared equally. So while women have learnt to walk shoulder to shoulder with men, men haven't been able to keep pace. 

It's time to rectify that. Men of the world, here's your turn to tighten your seat belts and seek equality. Rise to the occasion and be ready to take up the reins of a household with zest. Upgrade your skills, go to classrooms - virtual or otherwise, find a mentor and create a support group. Do whatever it takes but prove that you are up to the challenge.

Ladies of the world, are you ready to work for the cause of men's equality? For, I've a gnawing doubt, that men might not be very enthusiastic about claiming their share of equality. They are sure to come up with lame excuses like – we aren't good at it, we are wired differently and women are good at multi-tasking, so let them juggle everything like a multi-limbed Hindu Goddess. 

Take heart, gentlemen. With practice and patience, you can be Godlike too. No woman was born with skills to cook, clean and rear kids. She learnt it in this lifetime and so can you. We are of course ready to lend you a helping hand, walk you through the ropes,  and cheer for you. It's time to rewrite the law and make everyone equally equal in this human farm, nothing more, nothing less!

This write-up was published in 'Right in the Middle' section of Deccan Herald on 9th March, 2017.

http://m.deccanherald.com/section.php?url=/content/600228/mens-equality-anyone.html&secid=26&p=1

Bonding over Outages

As power outages used to give us an opportunity to bond with our neighbors, internet outages give us an opportunity to bond with our own family members.

In my childhood days, long before power backed-up apartment living, we used to face power outages frequently. These would be spurred by rains or simply by state ordained power savings. A cry of "Arre, bijli chali gayi..." would bring our lives to a temporary standstill while someone scurried for laalten or candle and someone else would grope in dark for torch or matchsticks. We kids would be overjoyed for getting a genuine excuse not to study and

secretly hoped the outage to last at least till our bedtime.

Sometimes we continued working in candle light. But soon enough, it would be time to go on terrace. Our neighbors would have also gathered on their terraces and gossip sessions ensued. We kids played hide and seek or ghost and watched stars. We looked for Dhruv taara and Saptarshi and tried to guess different star signs. Some astronomer types would tell us about Venus or Mars and we would nod along appreciatively. If we got lucky, we would also spot a shooting star. The world looked so different bathed in a veil of darkness. Soon, we got acquainted with that scary shadow and figured out it was nothing but a branch of our own mango tree. It looked so innocuous in daylight but nights gave it a menacing look. Sometimes, we spotted jugnus. It was magical to see them. They looked like tiny lanterns, flickering messages in a secret language. Frogs,crickets and other creatures lent their music to chords of night. The world seemed a bit more primal and interesting without electricity and for that brief while, we felt one with nature. Jokes, stories and small talk with neighbors gave a nice touch to the whole experience. It was with a twinge of regret and grudge that we accepted electricity back intoour lives. It was difficult to transition from the world of nature to the world of electricity, so to say.

Only when TV invaded our lives, did those power cuts start to pinch a little. We hoped with all our little hearts, that there would be no power cuts between 8:00 and 8:30 pm on Wednesdays and Fridays, as we waited for our precious Chitrahaar. And please, oh

please, have mercy, we prayed to higher powers, that there would be no power cuts between 9 am and 12 pm on Sunday mornings, otherwise we would miss our He-Man, Disney and Rajani. 

The other night, I and my husband were predictably sitting with our respective devices, engrossed in our own digital worlds. Our 6 year old daughter was reading a book. Suddenly, my husband appeared from his trance and came to play with our daughter. He had already spent an hour playing with her a while back and I looked quizzically at him. "The Internet is off and I don't know what else to do!" he said answering my look. Ah! The mystery was solved. Since I was also trying to load a couple of pages, albeit unsuccessfully, I joined in their game. Suddenly, internet outage had made us bond for that hour. We played a board game, laughed and had fun. And I secretly hoped that the internet wouldn't revive for a while!

PS: This write-up was published in the 'Right in the Middle' section of Deccan Herald, 11th November 2016.

http://www.deccanherald.com/content/580403/bonding-over-outages.html

Come Navratri, my heart beats for Gujarat!

People wonder what they would do if they win a million dollars in lottery. I KNOW. If I am rich enough to jet set the world at my whim, I would go to Gujarat for every Navratri. Well maybe , Gujarat for half the Navratri and West Bengal for Pujo for the other half. 

I would go and shop at Law Garden (Ha... still at Law Garden after a million dollars??) or in the bylanes of Ratanpol, Manek Chowk, Rani no haziro, Lal Darwaja and Dhalgarwad. I love the old markets, the narrow lanes, the bustle, the roadside shops, the surprise waiting at the next corner, the pheriwalas with unknown treasures....no, I don't really dig malls. I would buy authentic chaniya cholis with kacchhi embroidery - nine for the nine nights with matching jewellery - and then jet set all over Gujarat for the most authentic garba venues. I am mesmerised by the way everyone moves and swirls with music. It's like being controlled by a master puppeteer who tugs everyone with a giant, invisible string. Front, front, front, twirl, back, back, twirl, hop...it's all so amazing. So before hitting the dance floor, I and my friends would learn garba from a local aficionado. After all, going to garba is no fun until you go with dance-loving friends and know the moves. 

For, what is festive season:
If you aren't buzzing with what to wear and where to go. 
If you aren't scouting for that perfect attire or a matching accessory. If you aren't soaking in the atmosphere of decked up shops and haggling customers, waiting for your turn to strike a bargain. 
If you aren't getting hassled by dressing up and getting the right look. 
If you aren't getting complimented on the final outcome which vindicates you of all the senseless hours devoted to the pursuit.
If you aren't decking up your little one and admiring her to bits. 
If you aren't telling her why we do what we do on festivals.
If you aren't listening and gyrating to garam masaledaar khaati meethi vaangi and sanedo. 
If you aren't exhilarating in the beauty and vibrancy of it all. 
Yeah, what is a festive season if.....

I missed it all in Bangalore. I came here to enjoy Indian festivals better. Funny? But true. I continue to miss it here too. Though I have been to a garba here and a better one than in Bangalore, I miss the spirit. Still waiting for that one soul satisfying Navratri. Are you listening, Universe?

One moment.....

One moment is all it takes to change your life

One moment is all it takes for your happiness to take flight

One moment is all it takes to furrow your brow

One moment is all it takes to disrupt your now!

The power of that one moment can be devastating. Beyond imagination.

That moment in which you experience a body ache which leads to the discovery of a terminal illness.

That moment in which you get the news of a loved one's death.

That moment in which you meet with an accident.
That moment after which the world will never be the same again. For you. 

People will go around with their daily tasks. The milkman will deliver milk. The school bell will ring. The traffic lights will turn yellow, red and green. The sun will rise and set. But your world would have been turned upside down, never to be the same again. Your perspective will change. Your days and nights will be drenched in tears. You will struggle to find the why. Then you will try to cope, make your peace and carry on in some way or the other. But the world will never be the same gain.

Enjoy the beauty while it lasts. Be grateful for the moments that are uneventful. Be grateful for everyday which has been the same. If the day has not shaken you up, you are good. You might not be able to enjoy each moment but be aware that it could have been worse. Make hay while the sun shines. Live it up!